Heavenly Jokes

Webmaster's Note: Some of these are cute, some are cutting, no offense intended, lighten up and
if you're sensitive about your religon,perhaps you should try another page.

A man miraculously finds himself having a conversation with God.
Man: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Man: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Man: Wow, then can I have a penny?
God: Sure, just give me a second.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked
.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star- Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
The Pastor's Visit
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well
until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class. At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students. The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug." The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David." The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary." The final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my casserole dish."
CAFFEINE PRAYER
Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm):
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.

One day, this bus load of tourists crash, die, and all go to heaven. Their Guide offers to show them where they might be staying or where they would want to stay.
The guide takes them down this long, long pearly white hallway with many-many- many rooms in it, kind of like a hotel hallway would look like. So, the guide says, "I am just going to show you the rooms of the most common religions presently, so... lets start your tour."
First the guide takes them to the first door. He opens it up. "This is the Jewish room". All the people wave, say hi, and as with any religion, the very religious are praying to themselves in a corner. Then, the man takes them to the next door. He opens it up. "This is the Muslim room". All the people wave, say hi, and as with any religion, the very religious are praying to themselves in a corner.
After showing them those rooms, he takes the group of people and goes to the third door. "This is the Buddhist room." All the people wave, say hi, and as with any religion, the very religious are praying to themselves in a corner.
Finally, they get to the 4th door, "And this my friends is the Hindu room". All the people wave, say hi, and as with any religion, the very religious are praying to themselves in a corner.
Now, all of a sudden, the Guide is tippy-toeing. "Shhh Shhhh ShhhSHH don't talk!!" all the people are curious, but they do as their tour guide tells them. He quietly tip-toes up to the door, opens it slightly and lets everyone peek in. "Shh! This is the Born-Again Christians room, and they think they are the only ones up here!"

And on the 8th Day....
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Dear Lord,
So far today God,
I've done all right;
I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been
greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of this bed,
And from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen.
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

Big Daddy's Rap

The Lord's Prayer Ebonics Translation

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, --------------------Our Father, who art in Heaven
     You be chillin'------------------------------Hallowed be thy name
   So be yo hood------------------------------------ Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it -------------------------Thy will be done
  In this here hood and yo's ----------------------On earth as it is in heaven
   Gimme sum eats ---------------------------Give us this day our daily bread
 And cut me some slack, Blood --------------------And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me -----As we forgive those who trespass against us
 Don't be pushing me into no jive-------------- And lead us not into temptation
   And keep dem Crips away -------------------------But deliver us from ego
 'Cause you always be da Man -----------------For thine is the Kingdom, the power 
                                                and the glory, forever and ever,
            Aaa-men                                           Amen