Joke Lists

WORDS TO LIVE BY... "What I've learned"
I've learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned- that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned- that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned- that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned- you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I've learned- that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I've learned- that money is a great substitute for character.

I've learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.

I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned- that your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery.

I've learned- that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.

I've learned- that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.

I've learned- that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned- that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Things that make you go hmmmmmm...

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Computer Viruses to Beware!

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a seven-inch hard drive with no memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky virus) Your whole computer goes down (but your heart goes on).
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be baaaaack.
LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

TOP 25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ALREADY GROWN UP

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door
don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

A list of nevers: Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous
Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"
Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner
Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. -American adage about antagonizing newspaper editors.

Top ten names for
Ben & Jerry's new presidential ice cream:
Lewinsky era

1. Impeach-Mint
2. Big Banana Blast
3. Hyperactive Nuts
4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
5. Pantstachio
6. Subpoena Colada
7. Peppermint Fattie
8. Captain Cream
9. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Cherry Swirl

10. Rocky Road Ahead

TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN COMPILED BY LITTLE KEEBLER ELVES

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON OREO COOKIES ARE BETTER THAN MEN!!!!

1.THE CREAMY WHITE STUFF TASTES GOOD!!!