Armed Forces Jokes

Actual lines out of U.S. Military Officer Efficiency Report
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room-temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. So dense, light bends around him.
9. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
10. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
And now the British show how it should be done. Actual excerpts from
Royal Navy and Marine officer's fitness reports
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would hope that this officer not be allowed to breed.
3. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
4. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
5. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
6. This naval officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
7. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
8. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
9. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
10. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many
vehicles were operational. Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and
that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No," said Paddy.
"It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," roared the colonel.
"Well thank Christ for that," said Paddy slamming the phone down.
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the para-troopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''
I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.'' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.''"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb pack on his back, 15lb weapon in hand, after marching 12 miles, he says "God, this is SHIT."
An Army Airborne grunt stands in the rain with a 45lb pack on his back weapon in hand, after jumping from an airplane and marching 18 miles, and says with a smile "God, this is THE shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger lies in the mud, 55lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after jumping from a plane into the swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy, and says with a grin,"God, I LOVE this shit!"
An Army Green Beret, Airborne/Ranger/Pathfinder qualified, kneels up to his nose in the stinking, infested mud of a swamp with a 65lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an airplane into the ocean, swimming 10 miles to the swamp and killing an alligator, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault the enemy camp. He says with a passionate snarl, "God, gimmee Some MORE of this shit!"
An Air Farce cadet sits in an easy chair in his air-conditioned, carpeted room and says,"The cable's out? What kind of shit is that?!?"

The General went out into the barracks square to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least the G.I. was here so he let the him go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting, and he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."