Miscellaneous Jokes

A first grade class comes in from recess. The teacher asks Alice, "What did you do at recess today?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher said, "That's good, now go to the blackboard and if you can spell sand correctly I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Alice does and gets a cookie.
Then the teacher asks Timmy what he did at recess.
Timmy says, "I played in the sandbox with Alice."
Teacher says "Good. Now if you can go to the blackboard and spell "box" correctly I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Timmy does and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Timmy in their sand box, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

One night, Tim the happy Polack was walking home when, all of a sudden, a mugger jumped on him. Tim and the mugger were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the mugger managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The mugger then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the mugger could find on Tim was 25 cents. The mugger was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a young woman."
The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"
"No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies.
"Was it Rita Sanchez?"
"No, father, I can't tell you."
"Linda Torelli?"
"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any names."
With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him penance.
On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who asks him what happened.
The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and three new leads"

Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama,
and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.
"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning
20 million on the lottery."
He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo,"
the coroner says with a grin. "He died having oral sex with Trudy-May."
Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse.
"This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."
"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"
"Oh," says the coroner, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed,
"Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied,
"If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.	How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.	What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam!	What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroids.
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.	What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.	What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.	What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.	What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.	What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.	What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.	Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.	Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.	What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.	Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.	What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Sky diver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Sky diver Goes Dang! Whack.	What Do You Call Sky diving Lawyers? Skeet.
What Goes Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop? An Amish Drive-By Shooting		How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Two fat men called Peter and Martin are in a pub.
Martin indicating his empty glass, says to Peter "You're round"
Peter looks Martin in the eye and says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

The Office of Personnel Management for the federal government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees. There will be two less holidays in D.C. next year.
Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled.
The witch is moving to New York. She's taking the turkey with her.

A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta da broom, an' you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him." The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

The FUNERAL
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died", said the man. Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line.

Two Statues in the Park

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

It seems Tom lived with two other bachelors around the time of the popular movie "Jaws." They decided to go shark fishing off the coast of New Jersey. At first, Tom caught a nurse shark but the guide said "throw it back because it's too small."

The second roommate caught a mako shark and the battle was on! He fought for over an hour and landed the fish. The shark weighed about 500 lbs., good solid tender meat for the three bachelors to use during those lean college years.

They hauled the thing back home and proceeded to cut up the meat and store it in the freezer compartments of the three beer refrigerators. Tom, due to his interest in dentistry, asked for the shark's head, a fascinating object because of its many rows of teeth. Tom put the head in the refrigerator and went to bed, and planned to check out the anatomy of the teeth and skull the following evening after a full day of classes.

The next evening when everyone arrived home, they were greeted with the ripe odor of... fish! Dismayed, the bachelors opened the refrigerator with the shark's head and discovered the source of the smell, and began to try to figure out where to dispose of the head. The trash container in the apartment complex was not an option, because it was summer and would have caused tremendous problems. A few beers later the three hit upon the idea of taking the head down to the park and throwing it into the pond. This seemed the best solution, so the three drank a few more beers and waited until midnight so they wouldn't be caught.

They were on the way to the park, when one of them had a thought. "Have you guys seen that poster from "Jaws?" he asked.

What if they were to get a pole and mount the shark's head on it so that it was sticking up out of the water like the the movie poster from "Jaws"? Confident that this was a splendid plan, they scouted around until they found a fence post that would work, and with some effort and much hilarity they mounted the head on the post and hurried home again.

The next morning they awoke (with pounding heads, no doubt!). Tom wondered aloud if the shark's head had been spotted yet. Curious, the bachelors got dressed and headed as nonchalantly as they could down to the park to see what was going on down there.

When they turned the corner to the park, they were greeted with the sight of nearly three hundred spectators assembled around the pond, with park officials and police cars completing the picture. It was difficult to watch the crowd without doubling over with laughter, and the three wiped smirks off their faces as they edged around the people, averting their faces from the policemen's suspicious gaze.

As they watched, the park officials launched a rowboat on the small pond, and slowly, cautiously, approached the motionless fish head at the rate of about 1 inch per minute. At this, Tom and his friends doubled over in laughter, and immediately the alert police headed towards the three. They began to retreat from the scene, but not before a policeman asked, "Do you three know anything about this?"

"NO! Officer," the three fellows denied, and escaped.

No word as to whether any of the park officials were injured by the threatening shark.

There were two men at the bar in the revolving restaurant at the top of the Stratosphere Tower. The restaurant overlooks the Strip. One of the men said,"If you open the window,and jump out the wind will blow you back in. The wind in the desert at 1100 feet is that strong!" "Yea right!" the other man replied. " Its true! I'll show you." said the man as he walked to the window. He opened it and jumped out. Sure enough, he came right back in! "Wow!" yelled the other man,"I wanna try!" The man walked over to the window and jumped out. He fell to his death. The other man walked back to the bar and sat down. The bartender said," You know, after you've had a few drinks, you can be a real jerk, Superman."