One Liners and Quotes

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "
I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
Definition: "Salmon Day". The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Hope that it is not your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
Q. What's Ronald Reagan's favorite pickup line at the bar? A. Do I come here often?
Q. What do you give an elephant that has diarrhea? A. Plenty of room.
Q. What did David Bowie ask Davey Crockett when he saw Santa Anna's army charging the Alamo?
A. "Hey Dave, we pouring concrete today?"
Q. Why did the LAPD leave the Dodgers' game early?
A. So they could beat the crowd.
Today's Ebonics word is: OMELETTE
"I should punch you daid in yo eye fo what you jus sade, but OMELETTE dis one slide."
What’s the difference between Monica Lewinski and the rest of us?
When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

Forget World Peace - Visualize using your turn signal!!

Why don't debutantes go to orgies? There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite!
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None- He fell.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke machine have in common?
They both have a slot that says "Insert Bill Here."

What do you get if you cross Kaczinski with Lewinsky? A dynamite blow-job.
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent
because they need to upgrade their equipment.
Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis.
-Conan O'Brien
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
Therapy is expensive & popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on the cat.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a really bad mood for a few years.
I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.
I'm not your type. I don't inflate.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & then realize you haven't fallen asleep.
Another Unsuccessful Pickup Line: Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Adults are just kids who owe money.
I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Who needs friends?
You say I'm a bitch as if that's a bad thing...
Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is nearly done.
My favorite position: CEO.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I thought I wanted a career. Now I realize I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense - just terribly, terribly alert.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner.
We all know what a Birdie (1 under) and a Bogey (one over) are. Now there's a Lewinsky. Its when the shot lands three feet from the hole.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... The other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the new O. J. website address? A. slash slash backslash escape.

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Stephen Leacock
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough. --Pearl Williams
 I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want,
but you must eat it with naked fat people. --Ed Bluestone
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the perfect item on sale. Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking space.
What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are much nicer.
Men get laid, but women get screwed. -- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -- Frederick Ryder
Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place. -- Billy Crystal.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? -- Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)