For Adults Only Jokes


MALPRACTICE ASSURANCE
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Well without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine!"
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."

A flat-cheated young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who broke her nose on a steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?
A: It's called: " Debbie does nothing. "
Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Since she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beerfuck."
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
When you want a man to play with you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it.
Sure it's uncomfortable. But it makes you look just like his remote control.

When you go to the drugstore,
why aren't the condoms in with the other party supplies?
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?""Well, she said... Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" "Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his teeth are missing.
One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "R" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday." Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness. Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?" She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in and says to her, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. It seems that your baby is a hermaphrodite." The women says, "A hermaphrodite.....what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the....er...features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?
There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset, and screams, "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into
an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-
your ear or your finger?"
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked,... her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!" To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
The other side:
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." She replied.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Back in the 70's, a long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.
He got a ride one night from this real mean-looking redneck trucker.
After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said:
"Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "I’m gonna fuck ya anyway."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"
If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a Super Bowl Sunday, outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.
What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles!
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
Why do men snore? When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.