For Women Only Jokes

Men are Like....
Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.		 Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.		 Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.		 Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.		 Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.		 Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.		 Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.		 Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.		 Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.		 Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.		 Men are like ... department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.		 Men are like .. cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.		 Men are like ... plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Just EXACTLY what is a BITCH?
B abe
I in
T otal
C ontrol of
H erself
So ladies... next time someone calls you a BITCH...
Smile and say..."WHY, THANK YOU!!!"
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi- risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A.Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A.They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. I can do so much better.
Q. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.
Q. Why did God create man before woman?
A. Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A. To keep them from grazing.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because none of them will stop and ask for directions.
Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

What a Woman says:

What a Man hears:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is laying
on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do the laundry right now!!!!" 		yadda, yadda, yadda, C'MON
yadda, yadda, yadda, YOU AND I
yadda, yadda, yadda, ON THE FLOOR
yadda, yadda, yadda, NO CLOTHES
yadda, yadda, yadda,RIGHT NOW!

Introducing White Trash Barbie!

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur-better'n-you Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend.
Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with:
Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure! A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV. Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants*, halter top and sandals. (*Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.)
Miracle-o'-procreation button
Press the button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again! Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing. Waffle House uniform sold separately.
Action-bitch pull string!
Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' jew #$%&@* kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my #$%&@* cigarettes?", and more.
 Also Available:
Barbie doublewide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Trailer disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (Sold seperately).
Barbie dream car 1982 Camaro in mix-n'- match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust,* and coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two white Trash Barbies or fifteen MexMigrant Barbies (Sold separately). Smoke non-toxic unless breathed.
Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and PimpSlap backhand. With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is pulled.
Married life Ken with Beer-bustin' expanding waist* Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, and chips. Says, "Shut up woman." and "Git me a beer."
(*Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too--muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Comes with 6 assorted-color pairs of sensible shoes.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie
It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Branden (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.
9. Divorced Barbie
Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book, a coffeemaker, and her own miniature 30-day medallion.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie
This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Passages" by Gail Sheehy is included.
BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN
We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point). New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals,clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

scratch, win, retire
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